(deep breath)
Ok. Here goes.
In honor of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, I am also coming out. From the time I was 8 years old until I was almost 24, I had an eating disorder. Like many girls and women, I switched back and forth between bulimia, anorexia nervosa, and EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified). Eating disorders seem to be unique in their fluidity. Times where I thought I was "better" because I wasn't starving myself, I was still making incredibly unhealthy choices. I would go weeks without eating any real meals, and then eat something that I thought of as "off-limits." I would then punish myself by binge eating, forced vomiting, and compulsive exercising.
At my thinnest (a number that, now, is not important and is better left unstated), I was also the unhappiest. My freshman year of college, everything began to fall apart. I couldn't use the starve-binge-vomit pattern to soothe myself, because I was afraid of what would happen if somebody knew. Now, looking at pictures from that time, I can see what everyone else (hopefully) saw--a hollow-eyed, sad girl, trying to "fix" herself by becoming an unattainable, unrealistic ideal.
Though I haven't binged or vomited in seven years, it's still a struggle. Some of the things that have helped have been therapy, and being honest with myself and others. I spent quite a bit of time being appalled by the amount of energy women expend on disappearing. I got angry. (Really, really angry.) Then I started to speak out, which made me less angry. I started to think about what I want, and who I want to be, as well as who I am. And I challenge other women to do the same.
Today, things are better. I remember that my worth is not weighed in pounds, and health is not indicated by the number of calories in versus calories out. I remember that while images of skinny women in the media didn't make me hate my body, comparing myself to those images doesn't do anything to improve my life, or the world we live in. I remember that I have only this body, and this life, and ask myself if this is how I want to expend my energy. I remember that I am not alone in my struggle. I focus on making healthy choices for myself, rather than for some ideal...an ideal that doesn't actually fit me, after all.
